Confession: I’m Jealous

Of all of you on here..

I wish I had an interesting life. 
Something to explain why. 

Mine was painfully average. 
And still I got left behind. 

My parents didn’t hit me. 
I never missed a meal. 

Unless he drove me..
But that didn’t feel real. 

Older men tried me,
But I always made it a big deal…

And I guess that saved me?
Or maybe I was just lucky?


But I’ve always been disgustingly jealous. 

Yes, I know it’s not right. 

But there’s something so beautiful
About pain no one can deny. 

If I tried to cry out,
Everyone called me a clown. 

Apparently my life was too good
To ever be down. 

And yet…
Every year I’ve fucking drowned. 


I still remember the day
I discovered my ugly trait. 

My friend came. 
Said her mom screamed in her face. 

I’d been to her house..
It was commonplace. 

But that time was different—
She wanted out. 

She told me about
How it really went down. 


——

And I?

I was jealous. 

My first thought?

“Wow her family actually cares about her.”

——


I wish mine hit me. 
I wished I existed. 

To me bad attention
Meant she was livin’. 

I got hit too..
Told not to complain. 

‘Cause mine never left a bruise. 
He’d been trained. 

And nobody ever saw. 
So protests got called ‘profane.’

And I was jealous..
Of the things she got to proclaim. 


And I still am. 


I read so many stories. 
I feel every line. 

But nobody like me
Ever gets to whine. 

Boo hoo 
I went to great schools. 

Wah wah
My neighbor had a pool. 

Tears tears
I just wasn’t cool. 

Crying about a pretty decent life
Makes me feel like a fool. 


But… I still do. 


There was no one around. 

And if they were,
They liked my frown. 

I was always the youngest. 
So easy to pin down. 

Spent so much time under them,
I got close with the ground.  

And some nights were darkness
Filled with horror movie sounds. 

They wore my pain
Like a robe and a crown. 

And they always loved
To pass it around. 

And you know?

They weren’t stingy!
Honor amongst thieves. 

They knew how to share
What they could get out of me. 

And nobody cares. 
It wasn’t that bad you see. 

So now?
All I’m left with

Is being jealous
And lots of misplaced envy.