Truth—

As I’ve Come To Understand It

Zero
When God Spoke His Name.

Right when I trusted love again,
Was the moment I died—
Right when I saw forever
In his eyes—

Bright.
Sharp.
Blue.

They were full of wonder.
Full of whimsy,
Full of everything I needed
Within me.

It was approach and arrival.
A sudden stepping into.
So abruptly I—

Didn’t know what to do.

Drenched in fear,
Pulled by the wild—
As if something ancient
Had just seen the child.

Then suddenly—
Forever was right over a smile,

And staring deeply right back—

Words aren’t needed
For things like that.

Forever was so striking,
It made me forget.
The secret to me—

Whispered
about it.

——————

I saw forever in his eyes—
And I blinked.

And I flinched
when I should’ve leaned.

He came as an opportunity,
But it did have a cost.

I was young.
And stupid,
and scared.

Not stupid, dumb
stupid like—
I thought I had time.

I thought forever meant
I could pay further down the line.

——————

I didn’t trust God.
I didn’t even trust good things
when they walked right up to me.

So when he was in my palms,
I held him
like he might explode
or vanish—
not like he was something
meant to be.

I let all of the fear
Have its hold on me.

And I lost him.

Not because I didn’t love him.
But because I didn’t believe
he could ever see me.

I wasn’t there when he needed me.
And it can never be undone.

And I—

I was alone.

—-—-

Six
I Wanted Time and I Got It.

One minute you’re a normal kid—
Then suddenly
Violently even

You’re not.

You’re alive.
Just like everybody else.

You can point to it like a map
With a plot.

What happened next—
Should never be spoken.

There’s no words
That can make it okay to open—

A wound like that.

——————

I thought I failed. Maybe breaking was the offering.

——————

No one.
Warned me.
About this part.

——————

It’s when I learned there’s
Certainly worse fates—

Than an injured
And betrayed heart.

——————

I thought it was done. Maybe pain was the restitution.

—————

I turned my back on God.
Decided He couldn’t be true,

If this was the solution—

I’d love to say
“This is where time flew.”
Sadly,
that is just not true.

I got drug.

Like a mother from her child.
Like a captive being ordered—
“Go back in the cage,
And do it with a smile!”

“And get comfortable!”

“You’re gonna be in there a while”


——————

I’m not like others,
I didn’t get to move on.

His name was etched
In my heart’s rhythm—

Like song.

The hole where he was
Screamed within me.

It begged to be
Seen—

And then to be
set free.

——————

I thought it would never end. Maybe fracture was the game.

——————

Questions with either
no answer

or—

no acceptable answer
Followed every little pain.

I didn’t speak,
and never told a soul.
I dared not ask
If there was a toll

For sitting
What had happened
Down in the past—

Like a doll.

——————

I hoped it would end. Certainly meeting the same fate would be the mend.

——————

No answers from God—
I didn’t even want them.
All I craved
Was a comfy spot

To let go of hope in.

——————

I accepted my fate.
And like I said,

I laid there—

Dead.

—————————
—————————

Seven
The Name I Never Dare Say

And just as suddenly,
There I was—

Awake.

Sitting in a bar
With a new soul
Whose eyes tempted fate—

And struck straight through:

The years of pain,
the endless rage,
the constant unsettling.

There was my lost friend,
Forever—
Staring back at me.

And my heart

jolted

—————


Alive.


—————

He spoke and I..
I didn’t catch a word.

It’s harder to hear—
When you’ve been rebirthed,

——————

He talked…

I wrestled with God

and life
and love
and surely I—

I’m no wife.

He kept going on..
I had no breath.
Suddenly I was staring
At the face of death.

A friend broke it up
and picked up my slack,
My eyes froze in shock—

I had nothing to say back.

That friend bought some time
to investigate it further—
Surely he
already had another.

His words too kind,
Eyes too soft.
They cradled me—

Made me forget I was lost.

I searched for a ring
or any excuse.
It felt like walking headfirst—

into my next noose.

——————

But excuses were lacking
and reasons—

They roared.

My gut felt the same
As it had before:

This one’s for me,
this one is mine.
Him and I—
we are intertwined.

But this time no mission,
no purpose attached.
Just a chance at life—

and for love at long last.

——————

His words were healing,
his gaze screamed truth.
We talked so much,
fear didn’t know what to do.


And effortlessly—
We fell into each other.


And I leaned on him—
he rested in me.
Genuinely,
we found true peace.

——————

He told me God saved Him
and my scorned heart laughed,
Surely he couldn’t believe
After hearing my path—

But I kept it to myself.
I didn’t want to pester,
Questions of the thing
that dragged you outta hell—


aren’t ones you let fester.


I wanted to be able to say I tried
Gave it everything I could..
So I decided to go look under the hood.
And I prayed.

——————

When one asks for the impossible—
They don’t expect to receive it.

But there he was.
There I was.

Still breathing.

And right there
In front of my eyes.
I could not believe it.
He began to surmise—

He grabbed his chest
and whispered
a soft truth—

one that came uncouth.

He said the name—
told me what happened.
Told me God sent him,
to be what was absent.

And that
Was the moment
I trusted love—

Again.

—-———





Eight
The God Who Always Saw Me

—But peace never lasts
When we’re at war.

Life only got harder,
More confusing than before.

And just as swiftly as it came,
It was long gone.
Instantly,
I felt—


I had it all wrong.


Who is this voice—
Who’s speaking to me?
Who’s inciting fear,
And running off glee?

——————

Flashes of hell
And my first love laughing—
Voices and visions
Can do some great acting.

It twisted its knife
In my skin-covered wound.
It knew where to strike,
It just—



Knew.



It heard my pleas,
Offered to solve them with ease.
But it wanted to come,
Take something from me.

——————

And right when I didn’t know what to do
who to trust
where to go..

——————

God called—
Said she had a flat tire.

Said I needed to come by
And drive her.

She didn’t know it,
But she gave me peace—

We weren’t alone
In insanity.

——————

Sometimes—

A familiar voice,
Is an enemy.

A breath of release,
Can offer clarity.

Things aren’t what
You think they ought to be.

Even when they’re unfolding,
Quite biblically.

——————

Stepping through the door,
I knew what I was facing.
Something ancient had come—
Wanting to claim me.

But shadows fear light,
And love conquers all.
That’s how we forced it
Out of that wall.

It came out swinging,
Ready to fight me.
It acted like light—


And then tried to bite me.


Ripping off its cloak,
The smell began to grow.
Where that sulfur came from,
I’ll pretend not to know.

It grew impatient,
Wanted to stake its claim.
It clattered. It clanged.
Fear was personified—

And it knew me by name.



——————

It wanted to see
a nail in my coffin—
Something to point to
And then to scoff at.

It tried filling my mind
With too much noise
Luckily I—
Came with my boys.

Three struck as one.
Our bond offered service.
Nothing can beat—

A man,
His wife,
Their God—


United in purpose.


——————

You see, it came with a plan—
Not considering the Man.

He’d already given me the tools
For what was at hand:

A heart that doesn’t quit.
A map to clearly see.
Light for right up under my feet.

———

Dark doesn’t expose light.

There is a moon
In every night.

Even terror runs
At His might!

It did not flee
Because I was strong—

But because my God saw me


All.


Along.